"...yes, but he has so much more experience..."
However, the low employment rates are good news for one group of people: employers. Businesses can be pickier than ever when choosing a possible employee, asking for more references and credentials than can be reasonably expected to fill such lowly jobs. Given this information, people coming out of college are going to have to ask old professors and bosses for letters of recommendation for either postgraduate studies or new jobs.
My recommendation for employers? Scrap the caveat on applications that says letters of recommendation can't come from family members. Think about it, the only things an old professor knows about an old student is that the student got a C+ in their class and the student used to masturbate quietly in the middle of the lecture, thinking that nobody knew they were doing it (especially not the object of their fantasies, a fine little dime piece with huge tits in the back of the class) but once the professor pointed out that the student spent most of the class turned facing the other students, the student realized that they had been caught. No big deal. Everyone does that.
And old bosses as references? They don't know who you really are. What are they going to put on your letter of recommendation, that you always came to work on time and made use of every moment of your day? You didn't even do those things, so how could you expect someone to say that you did? Use your head for once.
But, if you want to know who a person really is--employers and colleges--you need to allow letters of recommendation from family members. Specifically: girlfriends and wives. More specifically: angry girlfriends and wives.
My furrowed brow is just my body's way of showing your embarrassing secrets working their way from my brain to my mouth
I know what you're thinking, "Greg, what if I am a woman?" Great question, observant reader! You are right; some people are in fact women. Now, do I expect all of the women out there who are looking to crack into a new industry or college to turn into a lesbian, get a girlfriend by any means possible, and then piss-off said girlfriend just so they can write you a letter of recommendation that airs more of your dirty laundry than a t-shirt cannon that shoots old shirts? Yes, I do. Hey, I'm just looking out for the employers in this situation. You want to get to know a candidate? Ask their angry girlfriend about their credentials.
Let's look at a couple of questions addressed in a standard letter of recommendation and how each referee would handle answering them. Then we'll really see if an angry girlfriend gives us a better idea of who a candidate is.
What kind of experience in the field does the candidate have?
Old Professor: "Billy has a lot of experience with accounting. He did his internship at this really neat law firm and he did their numbers and he was so good at it. Billy is really good at numbers."
No one gives a shit! This guy doesn't give us any relevant information about the candidate. We still need to know: can Billy perform accounting or not? This recommendation leaves us with an empty hole in our stomach the size of a 6 foot submarine sandwich.
Let's look at what the pissed-off girlfriend says about Billy's accounting experience.
Angry Girlfriend: "Field experience?! Let me tell you something about Billy Jenkins, ok? Billy "Big Ballz" Jenkins has played the field more than fucking Babe Booth, or whatever. I swear he's banging that bitch with the fat ass from Arby's. I can't prove it or anything but my friend Sandra saw him with her outside of Arby's on her smoke break and Sandra was like, "Is that a roast beef sandwich or are you looking at an anatomically accurate version of that slut's cooter?" Sandra was escorted off the premises but she made her point. Having said all that super negative stuff, let me assure you that Billy is a good accountant, ya'll. Here's something he can account: those 7 bitches in Cabo he banged last spring break when we had been dating for a month already. Well Billy, you may have had your way with those grimy scags, but here's one thing I can account to: 3. That's the number of inches your penis is."
It's also the number of STD's he'll get tonight
Now we're talking! The angry girlfriend offers so much more information about Billy's accounting experiences that the old professor simply couldn't give us. We even learned some very intimate details about Billy's personal life and private parts that we didn't necessarily need to know but it's the price we pay for a proper letter of recommendation. On this next question, let's look at the angry girlfriend contrasted with a former employer.
How would you say the candidate handles working in a team and what are some examples that show this?
Old Boss: "Billy was an accounting team leader at Assman, Assman & Assman law firm. As a family law firm, we Assmen appreciated Billy's attention to details. He could look at a sheet of accounts and see numbers that no one else on his team could see. For example, one time Billy saw a 12. Nobody else saw it, but Billy did. He has a leader's aBillyity to sense this kind of stuff."
Yawn.
Angry girlfriend: "Billy can work in a team at swinger's parties every fucking weekend for the past year without you knowing about it making you look like an effing moron in front of the rest of the senior class at graduation when you finally find out about it. Then you come home one night after blowing a bunch of dudes on some frat guy's front porch and Billy won't even go down on you for 3 hours...you call that fucking teamwork, Billy?!"
Bingo! Outside of the excessive cunnilingus, fellatio, etc. we have learned a lot of essential information about Billy. For example, we now know that Billy is very inconsistent when it comes to teamwork. Billy is looking a little too selfish to be a viable candidate. Can he still get the job?
Describe a problem the candidate encountered on the job and how he handled it.
Old boss: "One time last year there was a serious infestation of the paranormal type in the attic of the Assmen law firm. The fiend screamed all through the day and filled the whole building with a sound like the cries of a thousand dying penguins. We in the office decided someone needed to do something about it and Billy drew the short straw to handle the problem. Equipped with our office's Hazmat suit and a cattle rod we had lying around, Billy climbed the rafters to encounter the brute: an 8 foot tall humanoid with slimy metallic skin and a head that looked like an 18th century crystal chandelier. Well, it didn't take Billy too long to figure out that the only weapon against this other-worldly demon was the 5000 volt cattle rod in his hand. Surely this monstrosity can withstand more electric volts than 5000, Billy thought. He figured he would be over-matched physically and possibly be eaten or used as a sex slave for another galaxy. Billy resigned to this fate; he even thought it might be kinda cool banging bitches in other dimensions and shit (his words not mine). The beast started to invade Billy's thoughts, causing painful recollections of his abusive childhood. Although he knew it would be hopeless, Billy decided to attack with the cattle rod. Well, apparently it worked because when Billy came down out of the attic he was wearing the skin of the intergalactic behemoth he murdered in the rafters as a trophy. Ever since then he has been coming in to work every day like nothing is wrong, crunching numbers like regular Billy but operating from within the body of the alien he killed like he's Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or something. Every once in a while, though, I look at that awful creature sitting at Billy's desk and I gotta wonder: Billy? Is that really you inside there? Or is it just the monster after all, and this was his way of getting a job at the Assman, Assman & Assman law firm? I always decide to leave well enough alone because I think it's kind of flattering that the creature would want a job here bad enough to kill one of our most valued employees. What does that say about him, ya know?"
Wow. Did you read that? "One of our most valued employees." Finally some useful information out of the law firm! Billy really is cool under pressure. Maybe he has the zip for the job after all! Let's give the angry girlfriend one more chance to ruin his shot.
Angry Girlfriend: "I guess you could say that I'm a former employer of Billy's because I gave him a job once: a blowjob. And do you wanna know what problem he encountered on the job? He came in about 5 seconds. Do you want to know how he handled it? He fell asleep. He may as well have been dead to the world..his dick may as well be dead to the world. Ever since that bastard spent a semester in Spain he has been acting all better than everybody. I don't speak effing Spanish, I get it Billy...or should I say, Billรณ. You think just because you spent 4 months in Spain you're, like, Mexican now? You're unbelievable. I hope you get turned down in every job interview and you have to come crawling home to me and have dinner waiting every night because I'll be home late from being the CEO of my new company "Faux Paws" that makes custom shoes for dogs and cats. It's a good idea, Billy. You're an asshole."
So you're the reason I want to kill myself...
Just as I suspected, some pivotal information comes out in the bottom of the 9th inning. Billy spent a semester abroad? In Spain, no less? Well it just so happens that the company Billy applied to is located in an area with a high population of people who speak Spanish and a bilingual accountant would be ideal!
So you see, the old boss and old professor gave us a lot of pointless information about Billy's work history, qualifications, and all that bullshit, but the only way we could find out about Billy as a person was through his pissed-off girlfriend. Even though we learned that he was a womanizing college graduate with a tiny penis and a penchant for fighting aliens (or possibly being one?), we now know that he is the ideal candidate for the job.
Once you murk past all of the incriminating sexual history, it is obvious that the angry girlfriend's letter of recommendation is the most telling and beneficial for both job applicants and prospective employers. Give it a shot. Piss off your girlfriend. You might just get a job out of it, and as Billy found out, it might not be the job you expect.
God Bless.