Creepers in da Library

In case you were wondering, yes I do have an unnatural obsession with the library. I hope to get married on the second floor of Dacus library one day, and consummate it that night in the Microfilm room.

Getting ready to create some of our own ADULT NON-FICTION

For those of you who don't see me in the library every day, there is a little pod of three computers on the top floor. These computers are separate from the rest of the ACC computers. Of these three computers, the one of the left is my favorite. I sit there almost every day if I am writing in the library.

I found this to be an innocent little habit until yesterday...

I woke up at about 9am to get some homework done before my afternoon classes. I put on a shirt and tie for an interview I had later on in the day, this gave me what I like to call the "Tie Effect".

The Tie Effect can simply be explained like this: if I put on a shirt and tie with slacks and a pair of nice shoes, I will automatically be more productive. For no reason other than the fact that I don't want people to look at me and be like "Why did that lazy guy bother wearing a tie?"

Since the Tie Effect was in full force, I spontaneously went to the library at about 10am. I walked up the stairs, saw my pod of computers, approached my favorite one and began to settle in.

Then I saw before me something I could not comprehend....something familiar yet incredibly unsettling. Someone, on my oft-frequented computer desk, put a 4" by 4" cut out of this photo:


As seen on my most recent post below...

As I analyzed the print out I started to notice a few things:
1. There was nothing else written on it
2. This photo was not at any other computer
3. No one was standing around snickering
4. No one should have known I would be at the library at this time
5. Whoever did this knows that I frequent that very computer
6. Someone took the time to find my blog, print out that picture, cut the picture from the full sheet it was printed on, and place it at my favorite desk
7. I either have a stalker with a sense of humor, a creepy friend, or a regular stalker

The question still stands before me, mocking: Who did this? I asked a bunch of people and no one fessed up. My friends aren't that good of liars so I know it wouldn't be them...but God I hope this is someone I know.

I will end with this announcement:
IF YOU KNOW WHO THE LIBRARY STALKER IS OR IF YOU ARE SAID STALKER, PLEASE TURN YOURSELF OVER TO THE AUTHORITIES (ME) RIGHT AWAY FOR YOUR REWARD OF ICE CREAM AND RIDICULE!

Under my Umbrella-ella-ella

There's a lot of shit going on in the world today:
1. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
2. The economic crisis
3. Other stuff

but no issue is more troubling to me than the issue that everyone else overlooks: umbrellas.
You may be thinking "Hey Greg, isn't that a retarded thing to think about? I mean, you have class to go to." Good point Dr. Cornick, but this is really more important than accounting 280.

I walked outside today and noticed that it's raining a considerable amount. Furthermore I realized that little old me, after living in South Carolina for about 14 months, STILL doesn't have an umbrella. This is no problem, I'm a badass and embrace the precipitation.

But what about the other people who are not ragecore? I walked outside and saw a few umbrellas, sure, but there were too many wet heads out there. We need to get an umbrella in every hand!

Too many people have been going without for too long. Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?

That hat does not provide sufficient umbrella-like protection

In perfect accordance with popular belief, rain does indeed make people melt. And no, I am not talking about this Rain.

The last dog is the lining of his coat.

So how do we fix this problem? By ignoring it and letting it take care of itself like every other problem this country has (George Bush)?

No, we must equip every ill privileged citizen with an umbrella, then and only then can we begin to feed everyone.

As I always say: We need to protect the people from wetness before we can give them a belly of food. It's the same motto as Depends Adult Diapers.

A casual encounter, that's all

(I had to write a short story for my fiction writing class based solely on dialogue...I chose for this to be all internal dialogue...and yes I am turning this in for a grade...suck on it)

Of course this is normal. We’ve been talking on the internet for what, two months now? People meet each other over the internet all the time. Yeah, it was a little awkward getting to know each other’s sexual history but I just have to know, I’ve been burnt too many times. Ever since Maggie and I broke up it’s just been me and the lizards. Hanging around a hallow apartment with nothing but empty dreams and mustard jars. That isn’t exactly what I imagined for my mid-20’s.
God, I can’t believe she’s single. What a find! Cute, smart, and a little kinky. She’s everything I’m looking for in a woman right now. Is this weird? Driving so far to meet a woman I met on the internet? What if she tries to kill me? What if she cuts my body into pieces and slow simmers my heart on the kitchen stove? Oh well, I guess that wouldn’t be any worse than what Maggie did to me.
This is a long drive…five and a half hours. Will she put out? Holy shit, what am I thinking, I just met this woman…over the internet no less. Of course she’ll put out. I think I should bring her something, some sort of house warming gift. She’s got a few people living with her…I hope they’re not home because Denise said they’re prudish assholes. I have lizards. Maybe I should have given her one of my lizards! No. That’s retarded, why would you think of that? I should bring her something more practical. Something that says “I’m an extremely thoughtful guy” and “I’d like for us to have sex.” Flowers? No, too cliché. Chocolates? Of course not, she might think I’m calling her fat…I got it! Condoms.
That’s it, I’ll bring her a box of condoms. It says all the right things: I’m thoughtful, I’m grateful for being invited to your house, I’m looking to have easy sex with you…well, maybe not that last one but the idea is still good. I know I always got some loosies hanging around in the glove box…here we go! It’s just a few solo dogs, not nearly as classy as a whole box, but it’ll have to do. Ok, I’m set. Wow I’m sweaty, holy cow. I can’t believe how nervous I am. I hope she likes my gift. “Here you go Denise, everyone knows that girls love to be protected.” Stupid.
Oh, shit stains! I’m already at her exit. I can’t believe I’m here already. When did I get across the Kentucky border? Oh God, oh man I’m so nervous. Wow, did that sneak up on me. Ok, 1345 East Furman Street…just a few more blocks. Shit, I really hope her D-bag roommates aren’t home. Is this wrong? Should I ixnay the condoms? No. The condoms idea was the best idea of the trip, keep it. East Furman Street, here it is…oh, fuck this is a nice house. Talk about independently wealthy. There she is! I can’t believe she’s waiting for me. Goodness Denise, you look more gorgeous than your pictures…actually you look nothing like your pictures. That’s funny, usually people look worse than their online photos. That’s fine, go get yourself cleaned up because we’re about to get real dirty. I can tell she is DTF for sho’. This is a little awkward but I could see this being a great adventure. Nice kitchen, I could use a snack. Woah! Who’s this asshole?
“I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. You are being filmed for our special on adults who solicit sex from minors called ‘To Catch a Predator.”

You're fucked

The Swine Flu Pandemic

Thoughts on my own title: "Give me a fucking break!"

You have got to be kidding...even M. Night Shyamalan has Swine Flu

There are a lot of people throwing around the words "pandemic" and "epidemic" when talking about this whole H1N1 business. Really? You're calling this "a disease that is prevelant thoughout an entire country, continent, or the world"?

You know how many people have actually died from swine flu in America? According to the Associated Press barely more than 550! You know how many people have died from swine flu worldwide? 2185 people according to the World Health Organization. Even the W.H.O. has listed it as the "H1N1 Pandemic".

Ya wanna hear a pandemic? How about the Hong Kong Flu pandemic that killed 1 MILLION people in 1968? Yep...that is a pandemic.

Or how about the Spanish Flu pandemic that killed close to 100 million people in 1918? Yep...that is a pandemic.

Or, I don't know, maybe the BLACK FUCKING PLAGUE! The 14th century disease that wiped out almost half of Europe's population? Yep...that is a pandemic

3,000 people die each year from second hand smoke. Where's the talk of this pandemic? I'll tell you where, (no)where. It doesn't have the same striking fear as the official sounding H1N1 virus that is at level 6 of butt fucking your life capabilities. It doesn't sound as good as "there are 16 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the U.S. today."

They really like that word, CONFIRMED. It's a great fear mongering word. It's a word with very catostrophic connotations.

"Has the president hit the red doomsday button?"
"Confirmed"

Confirm this, America's fear mongering media.

Fuck thou

According to the center for disease control, 36,000 people die from flu in an average year.

Lick away kid, lick away

The new KFC "Double Down" sandwich

Imagine a scene in a flashy Las Vegas Casino: Lights are flashing, women are scantilly clad, cards are flying, people are drinking, and chicken sandwiches are the currency. A pretty typical sight at any casino.

A dealer with a clean shaven Pete Sampris-esque head deals blackjack to a table of sexy men and women.

The dealer is showing a 5 of hearts. The leader of the table, a tall man with chiseled features, has a 3 of spades and an 8 of diamonds, for an 11 total.
The tall, dark, and handsome man throws down a chicken sandwich and says "Double Down". The dealer obliges and throws a king of hearts his way to make an elusive 21. THE TABLE GOES WILD! They shout with glee as the dealer hands the man a chicken sandwich that has never been seen before. The crowd gasps in astonishment as they examine the mysterious sandwich.

Instead of using bread as a bun like some of the other lazy fast food shmucks, it uses fried chicken patties! "Of course!" says an onlooker "why has no one made a healthy, reasonable snack sandwich like this before?"

The star of the table, now proudly holding his newly acquired chicken sandwich looks at the camera and says "I guess it really does pay to double down" then he takes a bite of the sandwich and falls over immediately from heart failure. THE CROWD GOES WILD!

This is no longer the stuff of dreams people, KFC has made this a reality (except for the chicken sandwich currency part, sorry fat people). Now not only can you get a bacon chicken sandwich with two kinds of cheeses and sauce, but you can get that chicken sandwich with TWO FRIED CHICKEN PATTIES AS BUNS!


I know what you're thinking..."wow Greg, is that really something that is real? If so, it must be really healthy right? Like one of those fried donut pizzas?"

Strangely enough, that is not the case. The Huffington Post estimates that this killer of giants comes in at just over 1200 calories. However, other nutritional details are still pending. I expect the trans fat grams to be in the double digits.

The sandwich is only available in Providence, Road Island and Omaha, Nebraska for testing purposes.

This just in: McDonald's might be a better choice after all.

WATCH OUT FRENCH FRIES! IT'S THE MICHELIN MAN!

How about these sorry fucks who couldn't buy the $6.99 Double Down sandwich meal if their life depended on it? (which it does)

Imagine their astonishment if they found out that we have such a thing in America, and yet we still manage to have people with eating disorders. We still have people that have all of the nutritional opportunities imaginable and still starve themselves or gorge themselves or both.

Forget about Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the assassinations of MLK and JFK, this Double Down sandwich from KFC marks the end of America's innocence.

We are all guilty for the inevitable deaths that ensue from this monstrosity of a sandwich. Now we are all Dr. Frankenstein's...and this is our monster. May God have mercy on our souls.

Pooping in the library

There's no smoke and mirrors here, this post is exactly what you'd expect.

I swear to God, if I couldn't have the bi-weekly satisfaction of pooping in the library, I would have dropped out of college 2 years ago. I LOVE it.

There are many different kinds of library shits:

1. The casual "I'm gonna take a break, and it's going to be on a toilet." This usually happens whilst doing a long project upstairs and I need to give my mind a rest.

2. The premeditated "I'm going to the library today for the sole purpose of pooping somewhere besides my house." This is usually very costly time-wise but very satisfying.

3. The emergency "Hurry up and finish this lecture so I can run to Dacus and have my BM." This one is rare, I've experienced it maybe two times in my calender year here at Winthrop.

I could go on and on, but I'll spare you from my poop catologue.

Today I finished classes and came into the library. Pooping was not the last thing on my mind but it was pretty low in terms of prominent thoughts. As I sat on the main floor reading about the Black Panther Party, I couldn't help but wonder:
"What are the criteria for being a librarian here at Winthrop? As far as I can tell there are four main things:

1. You must be a woman
2. You must be white
3. You must never EVER shut the fuck up
4. You must think you are the funniest person alive."

Seriously, I was sitting on the main floor reading about Huey Lewis, I mean Huey Newton, and this batch of 5 or 6 stupid kunts wouldn't stop talking about their height. Who gives fuck?

One of the less funny ones (this is really saying something in this batch of winners) casually said in a desperate attempt at humor "My sister is the same height as me except that she's taller."

None of the other librarians laughed. I said "Fuck this" and decided to poop.

I went upstairs and dropped my belongings at my favorite computer and began to meander towards my favorite bathroom.

I like this bathroom so much because it's in the back of the top floor and there's never anyone else in there.

I also like this bathroom because it's next to the philosophy and psychology books. Regardless of what kind of shit I take in the library, I MUST take reading material in with me... every time I poop I gather reading material by taking a book at random on the way to the shitter, and who doesn't love to get existential on the John?

Today's random snag was "My Philosophical Development" by Bertrand Russell. I of course only get about 2 pages of reading in on these very complex books, but I really feel like I get something out of them each time...

When finished, I simply drop the book off wherever I please and continue with my work.

This is the kind of toilet I'm petitioning to get in Dacus Library. Lots of red tape is getting in the way...

I'm not really sure what's so satisfying about pooping in the library...maybe it's because I feel like I'm defacing school property without getting in trouble?

I feel like no one else poops in those toilets and I'm sticking it to the man like "Listen assholes, you can't leave these bathrooms uncleaned and get away with it anymore."

Secretly I want them to send us a letter that says "Students of Winthrop, we are discontinuing all septic services in the library. You need to find somewhere else to poop, people."

Everyone would be like "Well that sounds fine. It's not like anyone shits in the library anyway."

Then I could stand up and speak out with years of evidence plastered all over the bathroom walls and sinks.

So that's why I poop in the library: So I can someday be the voice for the nameless masses of toilets on campus.

Olde Timey Layngwidge

It's that time of year. Freshmen are coming in by the gaggle and they are all eager to please and look cool. Their diapers have been freshly changed and their pacifiers are in place. They are as impressionable as the wet cement out front that I defaced with the word "Bonertown".

These kids will be trying to look "fresh" by using phrases like:
"Let's get our swag on" and "That's the bee's knees" and "Cheese it, it's the fuzz!"

While they make fools of themselves with their "hip" and "fresh" vernacular, I'll be bringing back the old school. I'll bust out of the wood work with the phrases that were fresh before fresh was fresh.

I mean for Pete's sake, these mother fuckers were born in 1991 and 1992!!! They don't even remember when Full House was cool!

Which one is uncle Jesse?

I will counter act their feux-coolness with a complete and utter disrespect for it's very notion of existence.

For example, when a new freshman girl says: "Hey Craig, do you want to go rock climbing?"
my response will be "Cowabunga" a la Michelangelo.

She will say "Ummm, what is that like the new Soulja Boy dance?" I'll get Bart Simpson on her ass and be like "Ay Caramba."

Baffled by my inability to communicate in a way her brain understands, she tells me "Hey, you're old". I respond with a simple "How Rude!".

I see a glimmer of light when she says to me "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?" then I realize she has simply forgotten my name.

I get pissed and say "That is incorrect...you are the weakest link, GOODBYE!"

Then she says "Is that your final answer?"

I'm like, "Whatever, I gotta go. It's time for "Duck Hunt."


She says "Woah Willis, that is crude! And don't use the C word around me."

It's gonna be a long semester...